Help me.

I have spent a lot of time today on the phone with our insurance company and the endocrinologist's office. We are getting ready to start the dreaded low iodine diet the Monday after Thanksgiving in preparation for a scan in December. I'm trying to be optimistic, but seriously, what a way to kick off the holidays.

Stan will spend two weeks on the diet in preparation for the scan. That week will be one of daily trips to the doctor's office and hospital for injections, bloodwork, and finally, the scan. I am trying to look at this as an isolated event as opposed to a continuation of appointments and hospital visits we have experienced for over a year now. Our goal is for this scan to be clear. For this to be the end of the thyroid disease/cancer trail for us.

I think back to last Thanksgiving and Christmas and can't help but be amazed by how relatively normal our life feels as opposed to last year. I've decided no one should have to go through Christmas waiting for a biopsy. But sometimes it happens. You survive, and then you find yourself headed into the holidays once again waiting for something else. This time, results that give you permission to stop waiting. You discover you have been holding your breath, waiting for this marker that will tell you you can stop worrying. Even when you didn't know you were. Waiting takes a lot of effort. Especially when you are trying to pretend you aren't doing it.

This morning as I spent time in prayer, my prayer was this: Help me let it go. Help me let go of the waiting and worry. Any of the fear that is left. The what-ifs. Just help me let go. Just help me. Help me. Help.