I was thinking recently about how much I have changed in the past year. There hasn't been a whole lot of physical change other than the few pounds I gained back after I stopped marathon training (the same few pounds I am now actively trying to take back off without physically pounding or starving my body) and the length of my hair as I have attempted to grow it back out after my foray into the world of super hip stacked bobs (a world I found impractical and a little irritating after the newness wore off). But I have changed a whole lot on the inside in ways that probably matter more to God than they do to anyone else. These changes did not come about easily and when I told God I'd do "whatever it takes," I really didn't anticipate that He'd demand everything. And I do mean EVERYTHING.
I have to admit, I was a little shocked when He started demanding everything. I had foolishly thought I had already given Him everything years ago. But when He began to take away things like my sense of security, my trust in people, my comfort, and most importantly, my close relationship with Him, I realized I had no idea what I had just promised Him and how He would let that begin to be worked out in me when He knew that this time, I could handle more. And because it is true that He gives and takes away, often in the same season, not only did He take things from me, He also began giving me things. Like a couple of well placed people to walk beside me and breathe His word into my ear and His love into my heart when I was afraid and burdened. He began to give me closure which brought me peace. He gave me a friend who retaught me trust. He gave me a natural world full of beauty and changing seasons while I felt as if I was suspended in a spirtual snowglobe of sorts--isolated, cold, silent. He gave me small successes. Not big enough to think the really hard parts were over, but big enough to keep me motivated. He gave me silence to make sure I'd listen when He spoke. He gave me grace and mercy disguised as butterflies and hurricanes. He gave me a clearer picture of His character. And because it is His character, when I gave Him more, He demanded more. Faith. Prayer. Hope. Love.
Last week, my life became complicated and challenged in ways I know I don't even begin to comprehend yet. And all I can keep thinking is that I'm already so glad I offered God everything when I did, because now I know more than ever, I have nothing left to lose.
I have to admit, I was a little shocked when He started demanding everything. I had foolishly thought I had already given Him everything years ago. But when He began to take away things like my sense of security, my trust in people, my comfort, and most importantly, my close relationship with Him, I realized I had no idea what I had just promised Him and how He would let that begin to be worked out in me when He knew that this time, I could handle more. And because it is true that He gives and takes away, often in the same season, not only did He take things from me, He also began giving me things. Like a couple of well placed people to walk beside me and breathe His word into my ear and His love into my heart when I was afraid and burdened. He began to give me closure which brought me peace. He gave me a friend who retaught me trust. He gave me a natural world full of beauty and changing seasons while I felt as if I was suspended in a spirtual snowglobe of sorts--isolated, cold, silent. He gave me small successes. Not big enough to think the really hard parts were over, but big enough to keep me motivated. He gave me silence to make sure I'd listen when He spoke. He gave me grace and mercy disguised as butterflies and hurricanes. He gave me a clearer picture of His character. And because it is His character, when I gave Him more, He demanded more. Faith. Prayer. Hope. Love.
Last week, my life became complicated and challenged in ways I know I don't even begin to comprehend yet. And all I can keep thinking is that I'm already so glad I offered God everything when I did, because now I know more than ever, I have nothing left to lose.
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