These are the words I shared Sunday night at the TEAM CHLOE pep rally. What I realized even more profoundly than I already knew when I stepped up to the podium that night is that sometimes our hearts can be so broken we can't even begin to find the words to speak the extent of that brokenness, and sometimes our hearts can be so full that we can't find adequate words to describe that joy. But there are absolutely no words to explain the feeling of joy that comes when we dare to hope in the face of brokenness. This was the best I could do....
I remember very distinctly the day Team Chloe took root. I was running with Leslie the Saturday after Chloe’s funeral. I knew we had to run because we were training for a half marathon in San Antonio in a few weeks but I was feeling burdened, heavy because I still hadn’t figured out how to move forward when I was grieving for my friends, for Chloe, for a community of people who had rallied around this baby who had given them so much in so many ways. I just couldn’t figure out what to do with that. We were running and talking and I just kept thinking that there had to be something we could do. It wasn’t even a couple of minutes later that Leslie said “You know what we should do?” And I thought “If she says ‘Run for Chloe’ I may just fall down.” She said it and I didn’t fall down, but I did say “Let me call Kate when we’re finished.” I immediately called her and she said “Aw, you can be Team Chloe.”
And we were off and running, literally and figuratively. The days leading up to the half marathon in San Antonio were filled with giddiness and purpose. I had never been surrounded by so many people willing to share so generously because of a child most of them had never met. There are no words to describe what it means to feel so connected to people. To share a story and know that it is changing people.
Kate, Rex, Charlie, and several of their friends and family made the trip to San Antonio to cheer on Team Chloe that November. They brought cute signs, pink pom poms, and unbridled enthusiasm. We planned ahead of time to meet them at mile seven of the race. It was a cold day, one filled with lots of music and friendly faces and cheers. But something happens out there on the course when you get to the middle. It just becomes harder and more tedious than you thought it would be. It begins to wear you down. And I saw that happening to Leslie. She was in the midst of doing something she never thought she would have ever done. It was hard and she was struggling. And then she saw the pink shirts, the pom poms and signs, and the smiling faces, and she began to cry. She said “I can’t believe they are here for me.” And that love and support carried her. She will still tell you that it was hard. Because it was. But she will tell you that it mattered and was worth it. And that running that race was a lot like life: It becomes easier when we share the struggle and cheer each other through the hard parts.
We all have those hard parts. And we all have a Chloe story to tell or remember when we or someone else is struggling. My Chloe story is a story of love. Of struggling to figure out how to make sense of my life when it took a turn I didn’t anticipate. When I found myself derailed and couldn’t begin to figure out how to get back on track. When I found myself all alone in my head and I wasn’t the best company to keep. Meeting Chloe got me back on track. And I learned that if I can love this little baby, who was so physically broken, yet so completely whole and perfect, then surely I could love myself. And I haven’t been the same since.
I’ve told the story before of watching Chloe roll over one beautiful summer afternoon. And that is a moment I will carry in my heart and mind forever: The sunlight shining in through the playroom window, Kate and I having this moment so normal, yet so profound. Watching this baby roll over several times, and watching her face light up every time. The huge smile. The pure joy when we cheered for her. That is my favorite moment in my Chloe story.
My hope is that each one of us as part of Team Chloe will tell our Chloe story to someone who needs to hear it. That we will use our stories to cheer someone on when they are in the hard part. That we will extend kindness and generosity, but that we will start with ourselves first. And when each one of us crosses the finish line, no matter what our time, no matter whether we ran or walked, or that we cheered whole heartedly from the sidelines, that we remember we all have a Chloe story that brought us together. We are all part of the same team. We all make a difference.
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