Gut-check

Some days don't turn out the way you think they will when you first begin them. I went to the doctor on Thursday for something I was mildly concerned about, but definitely not something to be overly worried about. During the course of the examination, the gears shifted and the conversation went from "I'm not worried about what's going on with your pain, but I'm very concerned about what's going on here."

The here was my abdominal aortic artery and the lighthearted, joking doctor became very serious and started talking about the emergency room and aneurysms. I continued to lightheartedly joke with him and the resident, but as I drove home to meet my husband to make the trip to the ER, it didn't seem that funny. Surreal? Yes. Absurd? Yes. Funny? Not really.

Given my mother's history of having two aneurysms,  I think I have always lived with a fear or awareness that I could hear that word in regards to my body one day. Actually hearing it hit a little too close for comfort. I guess you could say I had a little bit of a gut-check moment that afternoon.

I used to be the kind of person who said things like "I wouldn't mind if the Lord took me right now." There have even been dark, dark times when I tried to wish my life away. Times I was willing to roll the dice with flippant disregard for my own beating heart. I didn't feel that way Thursday. And honestly, it made me want to fall back in love with life again. To live in wonder. To walk in Truth. To be quiet and still, and to laugh long and deeply. To hug and be hugged. To love in way that leaves nothing to question.  To engage life the way God intended it to be engaged--by keeping a heavenly perspective on this earthly walk. Abandoned, but with great care.

To be honest, I don't even know exactly what all that is supposed to look like. Emergency over, Friday found me doing normal Friday stuff. And while my life didn't look very differently from any other Friday, I feel that, in a way, my spirit had already started planning. God spoke beautiful words into my heart this weekend. Separate events all themed in a way that let's me know God was there in the midst of the gut-check and He heard my heart. 

His response was to show me "what is good...To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8). I desire more than ever for my life to look like my heart. And my heart to look like His.

Yearly Evaluations

I turned thirty-nine yesterday. I have never been a fan of birthdays that end with the number nine so needless to say, I was dreading this one. I just don't like the idea of teetering on the end of a decade. I'd rather just jump in to the new one.

The sense of dread was probably compounded by the fact that I just don't think thirty-eight was my finest year. I worked hard and took care of a lot of people I love who needed to be taken care of, but in the mix of things, I lost myself a little bit. Maybe more than a little bit. And I let myself get a little knocked around by life, circumstances, and other peoples' words, attitudes, and judgment. I became fearful and burdened. That's just not like me. Or at least that's what God reminded me when I finally got around to bringing this all up with Him.

So here's the deal. I've done a little evaluating and in the process, realized some truths. My thirties have been pretty good. They were significantly better than my twenties so that alone makes them great. I did a lot of stuff I wanted to do and started a few things I want to finish. I had one great career and then took the chance and started a new one, I started grad school, and ran a marathon. I learned some hard lessons that are making me a better person. I reordered my priorities. I built some stuff, but I'm still tearing down some walls. I have one year left to end this decade on a high note.

This year is going to look a little different than last year. I am going to take a vacation. And there will be water and/or mountains involved. I am going to dance. Because I really like to dance. And sing. I am going to stop waiting for apologies that may not ever come and I will continue to try to always apologize immediately if I hurt someone. I am going to continue to share my heart with people because I really think that is the best thing I have going for me. I'm going to laugh more. And love the people God has given me to love. I'm going to stop wishing. I'm going to say the things I need to say and speak those words with as much genuine kindness as I can possibly muster (ask Megan about Fiddler on the Roof sometime). I'm going to write more because I'm pretty sure that's the second best thing I have going for me. And I haven't figured out what it is yet, but I'm going to do that thing that makes me look back and say "Remember when I was thirty-nine...."