I turned thirty-nine yesterday. I have never been a fan of birthdays that end with the number nine so needless to say, I was dreading this one. I just don't like the idea of teetering on the end of a decade. I'd rather just jump in to the new one.
The sense of dread was probably compounded by the fact that I just don't think thirty-eight was my finest year. I worked hard and took care of a lot of people I love who needed to be taken care of, but in the mix of things, I lost myself a little bit. Maybe more than a little bit. And I let myself get a little knocked around by life, circumstances, and other peoples' words, attitudes, and judgment. I became fearful and burdened. That's just not like me. Or at least that's what God reminded me when I finally got around to bringing this all up with Him.
So here's the deal. I've done a little evaluating and in the process, realized some truths. My thirties have been pretty good. They were significantly better than my twenties so that alone makes them great. I did a lot of stuff I wanted to do and started a few things I want to finish. I had one great career and then took the chance and started a new one, I started grad school, and ran a marathon. I learned some hard lessons that are making me a better person. I reordered my priorities. I built some stuff, but I'm still tearing down some walls. I have one year left to end this decade on a high note.
This year is going to look a little different than last year. I am going to take a vacation. And there will be water and/or mountains involved. I am going to dance. Because I really like to dance. And sing. I am going to stop waiting for apologies that may not ever come and I will continue to try to always apologize immediately if I hurt someone. I am going to continue to share my heart with people because I really think that is the best thing I have going for me. I'm going to laugh more. And love the people God has given me to love. I'm going to stop wishing. I'm going to say the things I need to say and speak those words with as much genuine kindness as I can possibly muster (ask Megan about Fiddler on the Roof sometime). I'm going to write more because I'm pretty sure that's the second best thing I have going for me. And I haven't figured out what it is yet, but I'm going to do that thing that makes me look back and say "Remember when I was thirty-nine...."
The sense of dread was probably compounded by the fact that I just don't think thirty-eight was my finest year. I worked hard and took care of a lot of people I love who needed to be taken care of, but in the mix of things, I lost myself a little bit. Maybe more than a little bit. And I let myself get a little knocked around by life, circumstances, and other peoples' words, attitudes, and judgment. I became fearful and burdened. That's just not like me. Or at least that's what God reminded me when I finally got around to bringing this all up with Him.
So here's the deal. I've done a little evaluating and in the process, realized some truths. My thirties have been pretty good. They were significantly better than my twenties so that alone makes them great. I did a lot of stuff I wanted to do and started a few things I want to finish. I had one great career and then took the chance and started a new one, I started grad school, and ran a marathon. I learned some hard lessons that are making me a better person. I reordered my priorities. I built some stuff, but I'm still tearing down some walls. I have one year left to end this decade on a high note.
This year is going to look a little different than last year. I am going to take a vacation. And there will be water and/or mountains involved. I am going to dance. Because I really like to dance. And sing. I am going to stop waiting for apologies that may not ever come and I will continue to try to always apologize immediately if I hurt someone. I am going to continue to share my heart with people because I really think that is the best thing I have going for me. I'm going to laugh more. And love the people God has given me to love. I'm going to stop wishing. I'm going to say the things I need to say and speak those words with as much genuine kindness as I can possibly muster (ask Megan about Fiddler on the Roof sometime). I'm going to write more because I'm pretty sure that's the second best thing I have going for me. And I haven't figured out what it is yet, but I'm going to do that thing that makes me look back and say "Remember when I was thirty-nine...."
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