Some days don't turn out the way you think they will when you first begin them. I went to the doctor on Thursday for something I was mildly concerned about, but definitely not something to be overly worried about. During the course of the examination, the gears shifted and the conversation went from "I'm not worried about what's going on with your pain, but I'm very concerned about what's going on here."
The here was my abdominal aortic artery and the lighthearted, joking doctor became very serious and started talking about the emergency room and aneurysms. I continued to lightheartedly joke with him and the resident, but as I drove home to meet my husband to make the trip to the ER, it didn't seem that funny. Surreal? Yes. Absurd? Yes. Funny? Not really.
Given my mother's history of having two aneurysms, I think I have always lived with a fear or awareness that I could hear that word in regards to my body one day. Actually hearing it hit a little too close for comfort. I guess you could say I had a little bit of a gut-check moment that afternoon.
I used to be the kind of person who said things like "I wouldn't mind if the Lord took me right now." There have even been dark, dark times when I tried to wish my life away. Times I was willing to roll the dice with flippant disregard for my own beating heart. I didn't feel that way Thursday. And honestly, it made me want to fall back in love with life again. To live in wonder. To walk in Truth. To be quiet and still, and to laugh long and deeply. To hug and be hugged. To love in way that leaves nothing to question. To engage life the way God intended it to be engaged--by keeping a heavenly perspective on this earthly walk. Abandoned, but with great care.
To be honest, I don't even know exactly what all that is supposed to look like. Emergency over, Friday found me doing normal Friday stuff. And while my life didn't look very differently from any other Friday, I feel that, in a way, my spirit had already started planning. God spoke beautiful words into my heart this weekend. Separate events all themed in a way that let's me know God was there in the midst of the gut-check and He heard my heart.
His response was to show me "what is good...To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8). I desire more than ever for my life to look like my heart. And my heart to look like His.
