Chloe: The Little Engine that Can

I wrote this blog a couple of weeks ago but never posted it. I post it now with a heart full of love and hope for a little girl and her family.

So I am training for a half marathon in November and with any luck, another one in January. All this really means is that other than running and biking a lot, I just have plenty of time to think. There isn’t much one can do while pounding the pavement mile after mile. So I think. Sometimes I think about what I am going to make for dinner, or what I should be doing instead of running. And often, I think about how I wish this running business came a little easier to me. And then other times, I think about how thankful I am that I can run at all. That thankfulness is spurred many times by thoughts of my friend Chloe. I think about her a lot. She isn’t even one year old yet, and can’t speak, and I’m sure doesn’t even really know who I am, but I think she is one of the most amazing people I know and she is quite frequently at the forefront of my thoughts when I have to dig a little deeper.

This beautiful angel of a child has already faced a lifetime of challenges in her time on earth, and she has a lifetime to go. But I am trying to adopt a Chloe attitude when I run. I watched her roll over a couple of months ago and it was one of the greatest things I have ever seen. When she rolled over, her face lit up. I mean, she beamed with pride. It was awesome. Her mom made her do it over and over again. Mainly because it was part of her therapy, but that was secondary to seeing her light up when she landed on her back. There was a lot of “Come on, Chloe. You can do it! You can do it!” And then after her little-engine-that-could performance: “Yea, Chloe! You did it!” And then, that huge, toothless smile. Priceless.

I have decided I am going to start smiling at myself a little more often. I have spent a lifetime smiling at others, but inwardly chastising myself for what I should have or could have, but didn’t do. I have also spent most of my adult life hating my body for what it can’t do, reproduce. I have never said that so publicly before, mainly because I was just so ashamed of not being able to do what every woman was made to. I have spent so much time resenting what my body can’t do, when I should have been celebrating what it can do. I’ve been doing my own version of rolling over all along and never thought to be grateful for it.

Sometimes when I think about Chloe, I get angry because I think if I could, I would give her an easy life, with a body she can take for granted. Because I am sure, things are going to get harder for her. But I also think about all of the people I know who take their bodies for granted, mistreating them, using them up, until they have nothing left to give. And then I think that all they need is a Chloe in their life to give them some perspective. But I got her. A gift in my life from a gracious God. A God who sees the potential in all of us to roll over and smile about it.