One year ago....

Every now and then I like to think back to where I was and what I was doing a year ago at this time. It just kind of helps me gain some perspective on where I was, where I am, and where I am going. And I have to say that it boggles my mind to think that this time last year I was recovering from a 16 miler that I ran on a Saturday morning...in the snow. It was an amazing morning. It was a morning of firsts. My first run that long. My first run in the snow. The first time that I could actually begin to wrap my head around possibly even completing my first marathon. I was giddy that morning and when I finished the run I sat in the snow instead of an icebath. I felt fully alive.

This saturday I am running a 10K. The irony is not lost on me that the distance is six miles and this will be the longest distance I have run in many months. And that it may be difficult for me. And that it will be very, very slow. I'm not beating myself up over any of these facts. I took a break from running not long after the marathon. It ended up being a long break. But I promised myself that I wouldn't start again until I missed it. I wasn't going to let running be something that controlled me like I had in the past. And like I had let other easily obsessed over activities. Like eating. There would be no guilt involved when I took up running again. So I'm going to run with joy because I'm running for fun. And I'm running with someone I love who has learned to love it because she saw the way I loved it one time. And if there is irony here, it is in the fact that I learned to love it again because I got to see it the way she sees it. She is showing me how I first saw it: full of awe and respect for something I didn't think I could possibly call mine. But which I learned in the end, was nothing more than mine for the taking.

I've learned a lot in a year. I learned that one can eat snow to hydrate. One can run really far and find themselves somewhere along the way. I learned one can stop running and not lose who they found. One can run fast or slow, far or not very far, but each run is just what it is: one run. It is worth it, but in the end, it is just moving forward with both feet simultaneously off the ground at regular intervals. It is an activity. Not a definition. And somedays all engines are a go. Those runs are perfect. They feel holy. And somedays are just harder than others. And somedays, I'd just rather stay in my pajamas. And that is all okay. And while sometimes I have to remind Obsessive Steph that running is an "I want to" activity, not an "I have to" activity, most days I do it so I can eat more dessert. Preferably with a friend. After running a 10K.  Preferably slow enough to talk. And we won't set any records, but we will be recording a first for us. And this brings me joy because I desire a life full of firsts.

I had to run a lot of miles to gain that much perspective.