Happy Birthday, Little Engine.

Tomorrow would be the second birthday of my friend Chloe. I sat in church yesterday looking at the flowers her parents placed in her memory and I thought a lot about the year she was here and the year since she has been gone. A lot has happened. People have changed. Or maybe I should say, I have changed. Which as far as I’m concerned, is even better.

I worried after Chloe died that the lessons I had learned, or hoped I had learned, from her life would fade away. But I am beginning to think her death has taught me so much more. I keep her picture on the counter in my kitchen, just a few inches from the coffee pot. I rarely start a day without coffee, which means I also don’t start my day without Chloe. I put that picture in that particular spot for a reason. A visual reminder of the fleeting nature of life. She is my go to girl when I begin to sink into the bitter abyss. You know, the times when I start to ask the questions that I don’t really want answered, but I like to entertain anyway when I begin to feel beaten up or put upon, downtrodden and weary. The times when I begin to feel sorry for myself.

Then I remember she taught me about perspective. And grace. Unconditional love. Forgiveness. And celebrating the little things. Priceless lessons from a short life, but one that was stuffed to overflowing with shared blessings. I share them when I can, these lessons. I’ve gotten better at gaining and keeping perspective. And extending grace--at least to others. Unconditional love is a challenge, but not as much being the recipient of love issued with conditions. Forgiveness? Well, I’ve gotten a little better at giving it, but asking for it, now that is the harder part.

But celebrating the little things is my favorite lesson yet. I run with a little more appreciation these days and laugh as much as I possibly can. And I don’t rush time spent with people I love. And I try to tell them that I value them. I give more hugs, and accept them with arms wide open when they’re offered. I’m taking more chances these days, risking more and I haven’t regretted it yet. I don’t embarrass quite as easily as I used to, and it takes a little more than it used to get me riled up or to keep me down. I try to always be honest, completely present, and unabashedly joyful. But don’t get me wrong, I still struggle. And I fall down, literally and figuratively. But I’m beginning to think that when I do fall, I just get a chance to look at things from a new perspective. I also try to let myself cry whenever I need to. But when I finish crying, I smile at myself. And that’s a Chloe lesson from way back.