Standing on the wall

I spent all of last week at camp. I'm a big fan of camp--the fun that can be had and the rawness of relationships when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and open. What I am not so much a fan of is the trust initiative that inevitably goes along with being part of a small group. It has nothing to do with the "bonding" that should happen within a small group. I'll bond all day through conversation, prayer, a pat on the back, perhaps a hug, but ask me to climb something tall, and I will very possibly go missing, fake an injury, or just flat out refuse.

So around Wednesday when I found myself precariously perched on a narrow ledge about halfway up a forty foot rockwall, I had to ask myself how I had let it come to this. And I had plenty of time to toss around this question, as well many others, while I teetered on the ledge--for 45 minutes to be precise. Some of the questions I asked aloud, directed at my small group (only the girls showed up, ironically.):

Question: "How do I get to the top?"
Answer: "You climb."

Question: "Are you guys going to be mad at me if I come down?"
Answer: Silence.

So when I finally held out longer than them and they finally consented to the descent, I couldn't help but feel like a failure. They kept assuring me that I was NOT a failure. And to ease their judgment of me and lighten their mood, there was a video taken by dear Mackenzie who quickly realized that my descent was going to be much more interesting and entertaining than my actual climb.

Of course walking back to my cabin, I couldn't help but ask "Okay, what am I supposed to do with this?" After all, I like a challenge and generally tend to excel when the pressure is on. What do I do with myself after standing on a narrow ledge for 45 minutes and never actually getting to the top?

That afternoon, the other counselors assured me I indeed was a success. I doubted that. Affirmation came in the form of one the counselors running up to me before dinner saying that one of the girls ran in to their cabin ecstatic after the climb, proclaiming "My counselor ROCKS!!!!!" And then I had that moment I think God intended to be just mine during this intense week. He just wanted me to be willing to stand on the wall with my students. It was okay that I had nothing to offer them other than my willingness to stand with them. They just needed me to get up there. That is community. That is Church. It made me think about the times I have struggled in my life and no one had answers. But in the midst of struggle, there was someone willing to stand with me. God showed me in a very tangible way, the importance of our willingness to stand on the wall. I will look for those opportunities. I may not always climb to the top, but I will choose to rise to occasion.