I stand resolute.

I'm a take stock kind of person. Always have been. I have a thing about taking a step back and looking at myself, my life, and figuring out what works, what doesn't, what could make it better, and what is making it worse. I try to shift, add, and remove accordingly. Some things work better than others, some not at all, some are difficult for me, some are difficult for others in my life, some make me ask myself "what took you so long?" but hopefully all of them move me a little closer to who I am supposed to be.

I am also a sentimental person. Growing up, my life was rarely what a real childhood should be, and I often got sentimental, melancholy on my birthday, New Year's Eve, in airports, when finishing a great book or movie, and when leaving happy places. It wasn't until I got older and started trying to figure out my craziness that I realized I wasn't missing what had been, I was missing what COULD have been. I realized I was a "what if..." kind of person.

So a few years ago I decided to try to live my life in a way that wouldn't make me ask those "what if..." questions. I didn't want to live with regret. I wanted to live my life in the now, without big expectations, but with great hopefulness. It seems to be working. We spent New Year's Eve with some friends last night. We spent most of the time being really silly and laughing alot. Oh, and at some point I registered for the Austin Half Marathon in February. What better way to ring in the New Year than being with people who want you around, and making great plans for the coming year? So when midnight came, I did a quick check of my little internal barometer and there was none of that usual pressure. Only a willingness to tuck in the old year and kiss it goodnight, appreciating it for what it was: often scarier and more difficult than one would want a year to be, but full of love and new beginnings. And I welcomed the New Year with open arms. If it was a puddle, I would have gotten a running start, taken a big jump, and planted my feet smack in the middle.

So here I stand at the threshold of a New Year. I have great hopes for this year. For myself and for the people I love. Very few of those hopes have to do with possessions, but more with possessing...great moments, love, joy, health, and in the end, memories. I made great new friends in 2008, and reconnected with a few old ones. I will nurture those relationships. I will laugh a lot, and cry when necessary. I will ask important questions and talk about absolutely nothing at all. I will be silly. I will play, possibly too much. I will train for a marathon. I will hug more people, and at some point stand on a mountain top with my arms outstretched to the great big world. I will give more to people whom I don't even know. I will watch more sunrises and sunsets over the bay. I will try to learn a little better when to speak, and when not to. I may or may not lose those pesky ten pounds, but I won't think less of myself if I don't. I will live in the right now, but make great plans. I will work on accepting circumstances I can't change, but I will change the things I need to. In these things I stand resolute. Hopeful. Excited. I stand.